Even the Off Nights
(Or, Filling the Void?)

1.
You are Keldran Foliar, an archer in the Dark Flight, the elite band of archers attached to the rebel leader Vandrel.  For the past three months, you’ve been fighting a desperate battle against the forces of Wizard-Lord Fandrel.  Your friends and allies haven’t been faring so well, and each battle, more of the limited troops that you can raise are cut down by the blades and arrows of the king’s men.
After many days of travel, Vandrel has called a halt inside the abandoned town of Kel’Drathil.  Crumbling, rust-colored buildings surround you as the column is called to a halt.  As you get down from your horse, you see him approaching from his command tent.  He’s a tall, charismatic man in gleaming plate armor with princely blonde hair and the Sword of the True King (standard issue to every rebel leader).
“Keldran, my friend, you’ve fought hard for us, and lost many friends.  …in the coming days, you’ll lose more.  Perhaps you know this better than any of us, since your parents died in that tragic spoon accident…
“I’ve decided to give the men a day’s leave to rest up before we continue retreating.  Because of your loss, you’ve been assigned the abandoned mansion up on the hill.  Isn’t that great?”
Despite the sunny weather, lightning crackled behind the looming building on the hill, reflecting on cracked windows with nothing but darkness behind it.  A small swarm of bats flew out of one of the upper windows.
With a sigh of resignation, you take up your trusty bow Horizon and a quiver of arrows and walk towards the mansion.

Go to 2

2.
As you approach the house, more bats flutter out of the windows.  More lightning crashes, and a light rain starts to fall around you.  The screen door of the house swings back and forth as the wind starts to pick up.  As the lightning fades, you notice something glimmer in the bushes off to the side of the house.  
To investigate the glimmer, go to 3.
To continue to the front door, go to 4.
To go around back and look for another entrance, go to 5.

3.
You push your way through the bushes of the mansion’s garden.  Sitting on top of the shattered remains of a birdbath is a small silver orb, engraved with stars.  It rolls slightly to the side in the wind as you approach, jingling as it bounces off of a chunk of grey stone.
To pick up the orb, go to 6.
To return to the front of the mansion, go to 2.

4.
You hesitantly walk up to the front door of the mansion.  The steps creak ominously under your weight, likely to collapse at any moment.  With a resounding crack, the screen door breaks off of its hinges and blows to the side of the deck, upending a rocking chair on its journey.
On further inspection, the doorknob on the front door is covered with a thick layer of rust.  It may not even still work.  The door itself seems to have rotted with age as well.
To try the handle, go to 7.
To kick down the door in the name of justice, go to 8.
To go back to the front of the mansion, go to 2.

5.
From this angle, the mansion isn’t quite as intimidating.  The cheery yellow paint that had once graced its walls still remains in places, and the windows aren’t nearly as cracked or chipped.  A whitewashed door sits in the middle of it all, brass handle gleaming.
A pair of deer stare at you worriedly, having looked up from the patch of green grass they had been chewing on, and your stomach rumbles, reminding you that you’ve had nothing to eat since the supplies ran out a week ago.
To try the door, go to 9.
To shoot the deer with your bow, go to 10.
To go back out front, go to 2.

6.
The orb jingles as you pick it up, and you stare at your distorted reflection in the silver for a moment before shrugging and pocketing the trinket.
(Mark down “silver orb” on a piece of scrap paper, though it’s entirely irrelevant and you’ll never see it mentioned again.)
Go to 2.

7.
You firmly grasp the handle and try to turn it.
The rusted metal cuts into your palm, and flakes of it stick there as you pull it back in horror.  Pain courses through your veins, and you realize that the doorknob gave you tetanus.  A few moments later, you die.
(If you have a silver orb, it is destroyed and you start again at 2.  Otherwise, you have died permanently.  Start over.)

8.
Your foot smashes through the flimsy wood of the front door, and soon there’s a hole large enough for you to climb through.  The front hall of the mansion flickers with candlelight coming from a room farther back; funny, it wasn’t visible through any of the windows.  A suit of armor stands in a small alcove off to the side, and an unlit iron chandelier hangs over your head.  A door to what seems to be a dining room is off to your left; a stairway is to your right; the candlelight is coming from the hallway in front of you.  An odd whispering noise reaches your ears; it sounds like it’s coming from upstairs.
You square your shoulders and decide where to go.  There’s no turning back now.
To go into the dining room, go to 11.
To go upstairs, go to 12.
To go towards the light, go to 13.
To investigate the armor, go to 14.
To swing from the chandelier like Zorro, go to 15.

9.
You walk up to the back door of the mansion and try the handle.  Huh.  It’s locked.  The tiny windows in the door reveal only blackness behind them.  Looking down, you find a mat proclaiming “Welcome to our mansion!” hiding in the overgrown grass.
The deer continue to stare at you worridly.
To look under the mat and above the doorframe for a key, go to 16.
To try to break down the door, go to 17.
To go back, go to 5.

10.
You slowly draw your bow, nock an arrow, and aim it at the fatter of the two deer.  They continue to stare at you worridly, apparently with no idea what a bow is.
Wait… they’re staring past you….
You spin around, readying your bow, only to find that a pair of deer had somehow snuck up behind you.  One of them holds an object that can only be described as a tube with a crossbow stock on it in its mouth, and the other is poking at the stock with its horns.
There’s a loud bang.
(You have died.  If you have a silver orb, erase it and go to 2.  Otherwise, you are permanently dead.)

11.
You enter the dining room.  A spectral butler shoves by you wordlessly to serve dinner to the spectral family sitting at the table.  A small child, no older than ten, stares at you from one of the end seats.
“Mommy, look, a ghost!”
One of the blue-glowing apparitions at the front of the table stares straight at you, where the child is pointing, and shakes its head.
“Hush, dear, it’s only your imagination…”
The ghosts go about their dinner without paying any further attention to you.
To loot the room and return to the entryway, go to 18.
To go back to the entryway, go to 8.

12.
You carefully step onto the ancient mahogany stairway.  Unfortunately, mahogany isn’t a good wood to make stairs from.  The stairs began to crumble.
Make a run for it, try to make it to the top!  Go to 19.
Stay where you are.  Go to 8.

13.
You walk down the passageway towards the light, bow drawn and nocked, ready for anything.  At the end of a short hallway, you step out into the room where the flickering light is coming from: a fully equipped, well lit kitchen, with a merry fire blazing in the fireplace!  A pot with some kind of stew in it bubbles over the flames.
Your stomach grumbles, reminding you that you haven’t had anything to eat for the last week, ever since the rebel’s supplies ran out.
Leave the tempting kitchen alone.  It must be a trap.  Go to 8.
That stew is suspicious.  I’m going to make a sandwich.  Go to 20.
Mm… stew… stew is tasty, right?  Eat the stew.  Go to 21.
I wonder what’s in the pantry… go to 22.

14.
Armor, eh?  Armor is always handy.  You step forward and prod the armor with a hand to see how sturdy it is.  It tilts slightly back, seeming to be simply balanced in place.  The sword that the armor had been clutching falls to the ground.
This is too convenient.  I’m going to leave it alone.  Go to 8.
Well, a sword could bee handy, but not the armor… go to 23.
Ooh!  Loot!  I’m gonna take it all!  Go to 24.

15.
You climb up onto the armor’s pedestal and take a flying leap at the chandelier, whistling your own theme music to yourself as you go.  You swing forward dramatically, and then swing back.  With a second leap, you manage to miss the pedestal entirely and slam into the armor with full force.  A few crashes and clangs later, you end up on the floor in a pile of metal, with the sword the armor had been holding impaled through your stomach.
Your last thought is that maybe Zorro really ISN’T your true secret identity.
(If you have a silver orb, remove it from your inventory and place yourself at 2.  Otherwise, you are permanently dead.)

16.
You flip up the doormat and feel around underneath it.  Sure enough, you come up with a shiny brass key!  It looks like it’s been sitting there since the owners moved out.
Unfortunately, the key is five times the size of the lock, and it doesn’t go in.
You replace the key beneath the mat.
Go back to 9.

17.
You back up a few paces, grunt, and run at the door shoulder first with all of your might.  There’s a pleasant thump as you connect, and the door shudders, but it seems sturdy enough to resist even your best efforts.
Go back to 9 with a slightly bruised shoulder.

18.
You fill your standard issue adventuring bag with everything you can possibly stuff into it from this room.
Mark the following on a piece of scrap paper: 10 silver dishes, 1 set of silverware, 1 butler corpse, 6 chairs, 1 crystal chandelier, 4 silver candlesticks, 1 dining room table, 1 oriental rug, 1 feral cat, and 3 ounces of ectoplasm.
You soon find that your loot bag is too big to fit through the doorway, so you can only take five of the above items.  Choose wisely.
Erase all but five of the previous items and return to 8.

19.
You make a mad dash for the top of the staircase, both hearing and feeling the steps crumbling under your feet as you go, just barely behind you.  About three steps from the top, though, calamity strikes.  Your foot clips the edge of one of the previous steps, and you fall flat on your face with tremendous force.
Luckily, it doesn’t hurt much, since the entire thing disintegrates under you and you fall to the floor on the room underneath the stairs.  You stand up, brush the dust and blood off of your clothes, and look around.
Go to 22.

20.
Stew, in an abandoned house?  Something just isn’t right about that.  It probably has eyeballs or people in it.  Definitely time to go for a sandwich.
You take down the bread from a shelf, still in prime condition, and open a cabinet.  There are five jars inside.  Peanut butter, marmalade, chutney, ketchup, and a small, unopened jar of pickles in the back, hidden behind the others.  It looks like it’s been there for a long time.  So what do you want on your sandwich?
A peanut butter sandwich sounds good.  Go to 25.
Marmalade… sounds Britishly delicious!  Go to 26.
Chutney.  Sounds even Britisherly delicious!  Go to 27.
Ketchup; the misunderstood condiment.  Go to 28.
I don’t like the sandwich choices.  I think I’ll just have a pickle spear.  Go to 29.

21.
Mm, stew.  It may be an abandoned house, but at least someone here knows how to cook.
The strong, flavorful smell of the soup only gets better as you get closer.  When you look over the edge, though, you notice a few eyeballs floating in the stew, and a toad staring at you from on top of a floating piece of meat.  
With a shrug, and noting that it’s better than your normal rations, you take a ladleful of the bubbling substance and drink it.
Hours later, you wake up in front of the house with only your bow and clothes.  Had you really been inside the house?  You’ll have to go in to find out.
Go to 2 and crumple up your scrap paper.  Throw it at a friend if you have one handy.

22.
Long, wooden shelves more than fill this space, leading off into the distance.  This room alone seems larger than the house, much less the pantry itself.  Food of every imaginable kind fills the shelves.  You notice a small note scrawled in a language you don’t understand scratched into the dirt on the floor.
Examine the note more closely.  It must be important.  Go to 30.
Venture further into the pantry, looking for something specific.  Go to 31.
This place looks dangerous!  Wimp.  Go back to 13.

23.
You pick up and swing the sword a few times, determining that it is not, in fact, magical.  It also seems to be very blunt, and very heavy.  You determinedly store it away in your pack, just in case you need a handy doorstop.
Mark “Dull, Nonmagical Sword” down on your scrap paper, in bold because it’s very heavy.  Then go back to 8.

24.
You try on the armor.  After trying to squeeze into it for a good fifteen minutes, you realize that it doesn’t fit you.  Still, you pack it away in case you need, say, a doorstop or a paperweight while exploring the mansion.
Mark down “Ill-fitting Armor” on your scrap paper, in bold because it’s very heavy.  Then go back to 8.

25.
You reach for the peanut butter and unscrew the cap.  A peanut-studded tentacle reaches out of the jar and wraps itself around your arm, and you realize that the peanut butter was actually a mimic!  Prepare for battle!
The rest of the peanut butter drags itself out of the jar, becoming a formless mass of arms, legs, tentacles, and peanuts.
If you have a sword and wish to use it, go to 32.
If you want to try your bow, go to 33.
To grapple with the peanut butter hand to hand, go to 34.
Try to run away!  It’s scary!  Wimp.  Go to 35.

26.
You open the jar of marmalade and spread some on a piece of bread.  Mm.  Looks tasty.  Do you want to put anything else on your sandwich, or are you not that hungry?
To add flavors, go to 20.
If you’re done, go to 37 to try your sandwich.

27.
You open the jar of chutney, and the world begins to fade around you…
You hear a whistling noise, and as the world becomes clear again, you realize it’s because you seem to be falling from a great height towards a puffy white thing.  You slam into it at full speed, finding it to be springy and cushioning as it absorbs your fall.
“Boom!”
“Did that cloud just speak?”
Once again the world shatters around you, and you hear the beginning of an odd song about chutney, which is bound to be looping in your head for all of eternity.
You have been killed by chutney.  If you have a silver orb, it is destroyed and you are returned to 2.  Otherwise, you are dead.

28.
You squirt a bright trail of ketchup across your sandwich.  Ketchup is tasty.  It goes on everything, from mashed potatoes to eggs to sandwiches!  It’d be a shame if the red squirting liquid in the container were blood, and not ketchup.  …yyyup.
If you’re done with your sandwich, go to 37 to try it.
To continue adding things to your sandwich, go to 20.

29.
You open the jar of pickles and pop one in your mouth with a loud crunch.  It tastes nice and fresh.
A moment later, pain rips through your stomach.  You look down and see the haft of a greenish spear protruding from your belly.
The final thing you notice is the fine print in the pickle jar.
“May contain actual spears.”
If you have a silver orb, it is destroyed and you are transported to 2.  Otherwise, you are permanently dead.

30.
Well… it’s in a language you don’t understand.  And it’s scratched into the dirt at your feet.  What more is there to say?
Go back to 22.

31,
You wander further into the pantry, looking for your favorite snack.  Soon, you lose your way, and despite hours and days spent wandering, you can never make it back to the entrance.
You slowly devolve into a barbarian, developing your own language and wandering the wastes of the pantry searching for something you can’t quite remember.  Luckily, there’s plenty of food and beverages, so you survive until the ripe old age of 93 before perishing of boredom.  Before you die, you scratch a note into the floor in your own language, “Abandon hope, all hungry who enter here…”
You are dead.  No silver orbs will save you.  It was old age.  You’re just dead.  But now you know better than to be hungry, eh?

32.
You drag your heavy, dull sword out and slash at the tentacle the peanut butter mimic has around your other arm.  The sword flares with red light for a moment, and the tentacle neatly severs.  Then it hits you: this must be a Blade of Peanut Butter Bane!  The mimic shrinks back from the hot red light into its jar, and screws the cap back on after itself.
You proudly thrust your sword into the air, shouting a warcry to proclaim your victory.  Nobody sees you do it, though, so it’s not as much fun as usual.
Replace your heavy, dull sword with a “Blade of Peanut Butter Bane +2” , and return to your sandwich at 20.

33.
You plunk two arrows into the shifting mass of peanut butter before a tentacle lashes out and breaks your bow in half.  Another tentacle strikes you across the face, leaving a deep red gash.  Maybe you should try something else.
Add a wound marker to your scrap paper.  If you get two of these, you die!
Your bow is broken.  You may no longer use it.
Go back to 25.     

34.
You let out a rallying cry worthy of Braveheart and leap on the mimic.  It seems very confused for a moment as you struggle to pin it to the ground, but when you start making some progress, it simply withdraws the tentacles you’re grabbing onto and forms new ones.  The new ones quickly grab you around the waist and head and beat you against the ground until only a pulp remains for the mimic to absorb.
You have been eaten by a peanut butter mimic.  Ew.  No silver orb will save you; you have to start over.

35.
You turn around and dash for the doorway!  You don’t stop until you’re all the way out of the mansion, across the town, and in front of your commander.  You pant heavily as you skid to a halt.
“Mansion… peanut butter…”
“What was that, soldier?  Speak up.”
You regain your breath, and speak more slowly.
“I said, there’s an evil jar of peanut butter in the mansion!  You have to help me kill it!”
He stares at you for a long moment, and then bursts out laughing.  Everyone else within hearing range does, as well, and soon the entire camp is laughing at you.  Another soldier is assigned to the mansion, and he comes out in the morning with no stories of evil peanut butter.
You become the laughingstock of your entire troop, and soon take up drinking heavily to sooth the pain.
You live for a long time, but don’t enjoy any of it.
You may not die, but you fail at life.  You still lose.  No silver orbs can save you from THAT fate.

36.
You put your hand forward and intone, “Bilbringi” with an air of finality.  Flame bursts from your hands and engulf the lich-king you had found in the basement.  He screams an unearthly howl and runs in circles, beating at the flames, but it’s too late for him, and soon he falls to the floor, a true corpse once again.  You look around the room with a smile at the piles of treasure and magic, confidant that your army will now win.
In the morning, you resolve, you’ll bring this to your commander.
Mark down “Limitless Resources” on your scrap paper.
Go to 38.

37.
You eat your sandwich.  Wow.  You don’t remember quite what you put on it, but whatever it was, it was great!  You’ll have to try to find that combination again sometime.
Before you even realize it, it’s nighttime and you’re tired.  You curl up by the fire in the kitchen and go to sleep.
In the morning, you pack up your gear and head out to your company.
Go to 38.

38.
You arrive in front of your commander early the next morning and salute.
“Reporting for duty, sir!”
He turns to you with a smile and replies.  “Ah, my star soldier.  Did you find anything of interest while inside the mansion?  Anything we could use?”
If your loot bag is empty, “No, sir.”  Go to 39.
If your loot bag contains items, “Yes, sir!”  Go to 40.

39.
You cough embarrassedly and shake your head.  “Er… no, sir.”
He arches an eyebrow and nods.  “I see… well, I suppose there’s no help for it, then.  We need to get moving.  Roll out!”
Your companions all saddle up and start to ride.  Before the day is out, the king’s army attacks, and your forces are wiped out to a man because of a lack of supplies, and due in a large part to the huge Peanut Butter Golem that the attacking force used to kill your commander.
You survived the mansion, but you didn’t take anything.  You’re a poor adventurer.  You die, and no silver orbs will help you here.  Not that you had one.

40.
“Yes, sir!”
You dump your loot bag onto the ground, and all of the soldiers around gasp in surprise.  Sunlight glitters off of your findings.
Valtren stares, and stutters as he says, “This… this is enough to keep our war effort going… thank you!”
Your men saddle up and ride to the nearest town, bartering your findings off to repair their equipment and recruit new mercenaries.  When the king’s troops ambush you several miles later, you fight them off with ease, taking a heavy toll on both their morale and their troop count.  After the battle, Valtren approaches you.
“Our new supplies made all the difference.  Well done!  When I become king, you can be my chief knight.”
You smile, and with a bow, reply, “All in a night’s work.”
Well done!  You successfully looted the mansion.  An adventurer is you!